


There is a light that never goes out

by vermontghost



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Eventual Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan, F/F, Graham O'Brien - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Ryan Sinclair - Freeform, Thirteenth Doctor Era, doctor who - Freeform, thasmin, yasmin khan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23160217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vermontghost/pseuds/vermontghost
Summary: Yasmin khan is dying.Triggers: (sort of) attempted suicide in a memory, death and two minor descriptions of blood
Relationships: The Doctor & Yasmin Khan, The Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	There is a light that never goes out

The shot came out of nowhere. 

I was standing at the edge of a pond, and the next moment it hit. 

It ripped through me like a thousand sharpened knives, and the blood coated my fingers, dripping and trickling down my shirt. 

I coughed but I couldn't breathe, I screamed but no one could hear me - and the world tilted and swirled around me as I fell into the water. 

It was warm and soft and I drifted like a ribbon through air, the quiet folding over me. 

_

_(take me out tonight_

_where there's music and there's people_

_And they're young and alive_

_driving in your car_

_I never never want to go home_

_because I haven't got one_

_anymore)_

"you see? the water's warm. come in, Yaz."

she smiled and looked back at the others, who were splashing each other and laughing, smiles etched across their faces. 

her smile was like sunshine. kinder than sunshine. kinder than anyone i've ever known.

her eyes - I could have closed my own and still seen them, soft and warm and burdened. 

and so I leapt, arms and bones and long hair that flew behind me. 

I leapt and surfaced, treading water, and she smiled once again, splashing me with a gust of water. 

"the beautiful thing about this planet is that it's covered entirely in ocean - there's no wind, not enough to create large waves, and no moon to create tides. the deepest it goes is eight feet- and the only life forms here are the millions of colonies of fish - bright and dazzling."

the fish swirled with the water, fins weaving through the weight of it. blues and yellows and colors I could not name, glowing like fireflies. 

_

the pressure came next. 

It held my lungs and clenched, my thoughts clouded by the pain - the pain of everything. the shock began to wear off, but still I could not move. still I could not push and kick to the surface, holding my chest. the blood fluttered up and flowed through the water, tainting the blue of the lake. I could not yell. I could not breathe. and this, I knew, this I could not recover from. this I could not laugh about. this I could not run away from in the doctor's tardis. 

I drifted further and further, darkness swamping my vision. 

_

_(and if a double-decker bus_

_crashes into us_

_to die by your side_

_Is such a heavenly way to die_

_and if a ten-ton truck_

_kills the both of us_

_to die by your side_

_well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine)_

"Yaz!"

the man who had pointed the gun at me fell over, but my heartbeat still raced. 

I remembered the word he had called me. I would close it in my brain and shove it down. He could never understand. 

she ran over to me, checking for wounds. 

"Yaz, what happened."

a tear rolled down my cheek. shove the tears back. hold your cries in your throat.

There was a question in her eyes, and I nodded. 

She hugged me, and whispered softly. "You're alright. You're going to be alright."

_

then, there was the air.

I could not breathe, and I could not gasp, or else the water would flow through my lungs. 

It crushed me as I swallowed and shook for air, and my throat tightened and heaved, my vision blurring. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave them. I want to see the doctor smile again, and remember her eyes, I want to joke with Ryan and laugh at Graham, I want to do so many things and see so many things, I want to gaze at the stars again - 

but I can't. 

_

_(take me out tonight_

_take me anywhere, I don't care_

_I don't care, I don't care_

_and in the darkened underpass_

_I thought oh God, my chance has come at last_

_but then a strange fear gripped me and I_

_just couldn't ask)_

It had gotten worse again. worse to the point where I stood above the roof of my house, stumbling against the wind to sit down on the balcony, my legs dangling off the edge.

I can't do this anymore. I can't live this life anymore, I don't deserve to live when so many others have died. _I am worthless,_ I told myself. _Listen to the beat of your heart. you are worthless you are worthless you are worthless._

The elevator opened, and footsteps walked next to me. I stood back up, ready to jump, ready to run, before I saw who it was. 

The doctor stood in front of me, an understanding look and a tear rolling down her cheek. 

"Don't move. Don't try to stop me, look, I need to do this, I need-"

I stood there, red eyes and unkempt hair, wearing the face of someone who hadn't slept in days. 

She walked slowly over to me, but I did not step back. She held me and I hid my face on her shoulder, but for some reason I could not cry. I could not speak. 

"I need you. We all need you. This world needs you."

I shook my head, and I didn't believe it for months. There were still times when I didn't. Times when I longed for high buildings. But I've survived. 

_

I could make out the faint outline of a body diving towards me, and I felt arms pulling me up, the surface becoming brighter and brighter,

until I coughed, the pain ceaseless and unflinching, carried and laid onto the sand.

I sat up slowly, blood gushing out of my chest, and still, I could not breathe. 

Before I could think, soft lips were pressed on my own. She tasted like salt water and dreams, and when she pulled away, I smiled. 

"Not you, Yasmin Khan. You're not going to die on me," she said shakily, holding me until my eyes fluttered shut.

_(and if a double-decker bus_

_crashes into us_

_to die by your side_

_is such a heavenly way to die_

_and if a ten-ton truck_

_kills the both of us_

_to die by your side_

_well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine.)_

_

_Winhall historical society, 2021._

_Name of departed: Yasmin Khan_

_Will be remembered dearly by her friends, and mourned endlessly._


End file.
